Jul 27, 2017 | Uncategorized |
My mind is a making ice cream, constantly moving, stopping only to freeze up and think about one thing.
Then back to swirling and thinking about 15 other things.
I feel a bit unsettled as I wake today.
Unsure, but not sure what I am unsure about.
Is it the end of summer, school starting up?
Well, those two things are definitely part of it because just typing that was hard.
I am not great at transitions I suppose.
Did we have fun this summer?
Did we get to everything we wanted to do?
Was I everything I needed to be for the kids?
So I start to list things off, we went to the beach, enjoyed visits from family, we took a road trip, ate ice cream, played tennis, slept in…
But was it enough to make them happy, for 2017 to be the best summer ever?
I am not sure what I am doing, why I feel this pressure or ask these questions.
I am seriously just writing and processing this as I go.
And then the answer hits almost mid-keystroke.
I ask these questions because I have these expectations myself. To be clear, expectations that I lay on other people.
I want the grand sweeping gestures, I want the picture perfect moments that I imagine. I want the big moments that knock you off your feet and the small moments that keep you happy where you are. I want a lot of the highlight reel.
Two things.
The highlight reel is completely removed from reality. The highlight reel doesn’t show the transitions: that leading into the best fireworks ever was a bunch of grumpy, that the fun time at the pool yesterday started with a time out, or that our time at the beach ended with the news that a friend at church had died.
And real life isn’t a highlight reel.
It’s a roller coaster, it is twists and turns, really low lows and really high highs. And it is all on top of each other, the lows are so close to the highs so the highlight reel would be super choppy…so quick that we might miss them. And I think sometimes I do. I miss the highs, because I don’t identify them as highs and think that life is all about the lows.
Secondly, maybe I expect too much or better said, maybe I expect too much from other people. My satisfaction in life cannot come from other people. Not going to happen. People aren’t meant to fulfill my heart’s desires. I need to do more work here, spend time with the one who created me so that he can fill my heart.
Then I can release people to be people and free them from my expectations.
Then the highlight reel can be just the highlight reel and not what I base my life or my emotions on.
I am off to live a day which will be full of ups and downs, I am sure. But I am ready to be present, with managed expectations, to just live it.
Jul 19, 2017 | Uncategorized |
Unknowingly, I had made a declaration.
I had written it in indelible ink on the walls of my heart.
Tattooed it on my skin.
When things are hard, I can’t be soft.
I don’t know when I made it…so I don’t know how long I have been waving this banner,
but it may as well great you at the door to our home.
When you are short with me, a soft answer will not be what you get back.
A snippy text gets a hard return.
If frustration is what you are dishing out, then I can heap it right back.
Hard gets hard.
If I sense a closed door, the door to my heart will not crack. In fact, I will stuff the cracks so no light can be seen.
Hard = Hard
What other equation is there?
You and me get stuck here, at inflexible, concrete, unforgiving, with no soft place to land the disagreement.
Because
Hard = Hard
And that is just the way it is.
If there is no giving in, my feet dig in.
If there’s no conceding the point then we are in for a long day/night/week.
And that leaves us stuck between a rock and a hard place with our teeth clenched and our hearts a conglomeration of grudge, righteous indignation and unforgiveness.
And that leaves us with
Hard + Hard = Hard
And then I saw this
And this proves my declaration wrong.
There can be soft admist hard.
Soft can grow in hard places.
Soft doesn’t need soft in order to thrive and grow.
I feel a little foolish as it seems this brave little flower has done what I cannot do.
Or at least what I can’t do on my own.
Soft in the midst of hard requires more strength than just giving back hard and
it doesn’t come from me, but through me.
Forgiveness can counter unforgiveness.
A kind word can battle with wrath – and the war fizzles out.
Soft can envelope hard and the sharp edges melt away and
we can hear each other again.
Soft + Hard = Relationship
The flower in the midst of concrete, metal and construction made a declaration to me.
Soft is strong,
Soft is beautiful,
Soft is possible in the midst of hard.
Jul 6, 2017 | Uncategorized |
I was in my old stomping grounds last week in Raleigh, NC for a quick visit. I had debated about making the fast trip with my kids in tow but determined it was important enough to warrant the effort. A friend was having her book launch and I was blessed to be able to attend. My mom and I were both excited to be at the book launch for Denial: Abuse, Addiction, and a Life Derailed: Based on a True Story by Nanette Kirsch. The book launch was powerful – the book is even more so.
Mom and I grabbed a quick bite to eat just across the street from the book launch venue. I had been at this intersection of these streets many times as this is where Marbles Museum sits. Marbles is great for kids and I recall feeling as though I had accomplished a grand military maneuver when I would take the kids for a few hours. I spent many hours in this area but had never entered the cafe diagonal from the museum.
As I sat at the table, I couldn’t get over the view. I had never had this vantage before; I had never seen Marbles this way before. I sat in the delightful cafe and couldn’t get over how I found myself in a different place, but in the same place; the same person and yet not the same. I struggled to put my feelings into words and part of my expression was through choking tears. I marveled at how five years ago I would spend time playing with the kids, watching the kids play and learn at Marbles and occasionally I would wonder what I was going to do once they were in school. I dabbled in writing at that time but was never really sure what I was going to be when I grew up. And here I sat with a different view of Marbles – and a broader view of myself. I just couldn’t get over the fact that because of my interest in writing I was next to Marbles but not going to Marbles, and instead, I was going to a book launch directly across the street from Marbles. It was some kind of crazy full circle thing that happened over delicious chicken. My heart was so full.
I am wondering if perhaps my mom felt the same way. She sits with me at the cafe, both of us inhaling dinner prior to the book launch. She connected with Nanette and the book. My mom is one of those people who walks through open doors and strives to see where God is working and then goes there. Mom introduced Nanette to Brave Step, an organization based in Charlotte, that helps victims of sexual abuse find their way to freedom. Nanette is partnering with Brave Step and supporting their mission. It is such a beautiful, redemptive thing when stories, organizations and people connect and as a result, individuals see a broader view of themselves.
I bet there was a time when Mom, a victim of sexual abuse, wondered if there would ever be a full circle for her. There have been moments of redemption that I have witnessed for her and I wonder if our tears and intertwined hands at the book launch were another part of her full circle. When Nanette mentioned Brave Step and put their logo up on the screen, I leaned over and said, “That’s because of you mom, you made that happen.” It was healing wrapped in healing. Again and I again I see it – pursuing healing for others brings about healing within ourselves.
And because of these moments and several others that night, it was clear that we were supposed to be at the book launch in support of our friend and her book. We just didn’t know we were there for some full circle for ourselves too.
Search for kindling: Are there doors opening to you that you are denying? Go ahead and walk through them. Pursue your full circle and a broader view of yourself.
Jun 29, 2017 | Uncategorized |
I stood on her porch.
We talked about the weather and wondered how it was possible it was mid-summer already. We talked about our day and what was ahead for us.
And before I knew it, I had tears.
They popped out of nowhere. Surprising me. Likely surprising her.
“I don’t know why I am crying.”
The things that our hearts carry are always close to the surface.
Sometimes I forget this.
And sometimes I remember when I find myself on my friend’s porch in tears while the kids play and the sun shines on their laughter.
She is a home schooling mom and we send our kids to public school.
In the midst of our conversation, she said, “It doesn’t matter how you do it, it’s hard.”
And that has stuck with me.
So many times the decisions we make as parents put us on opposing sides and we end up feeling that
we must defend our decisions.
We form opionions and sometimes offer them without any understanding of what it is like to be that person, in that family.
We don’t have to stay on opposing sides of the debate – whatever that debate may be. The fact is no matter where we are, what decision we are facing, we are in the same place: Hard.
We can support, love and care for each other in these hard places. We can pray for each other in the circumstances that cause tears to spring to our eyes. We can meet in coffee shops, in homes and on front porches and find that we are in the same hard place of trying to raise and love our kids well. We can do life and parenting together and still do it very differently from each other.
Here’s to more tears, more prayer, more burdens halved – on front porches.
Search for kindling:
Where are you struggling as a parent right now? *You don’t have to find a mom with the exact same set of circumstances in order to be encouraged by them. Find someone you can be real with about your hard place.
Jun 23, 2017 | Uncategorized |
Sometimes we have to dig for kindling. This is week is one of those times – when it all seems wrong – when justice seems far off…
I am somewhere in the middle.
I am no longer there. I am here.
I can look back and see that progress has been made, because there is distance between there and here, where I stand
Somewhere in the middle.
We all are here, in the middle.
Or most of us anyway.
Some of us are handcuffed to what we’ve always known, unaware or unwilling to see that the key is within our grasp.
There are some still there.
Stuck.
Chained to the past.
Chained to ignorance.
Chained to unkindness and lies.
Chained to the way its always been. It is hard to walk away from that – even if it is what is holding you hostage.
They choose chains because it works well for them, it ‘keeps people in their place’. And who knows what is out there beyond what is known. For them, it is better to stay chained to ignorance by ignorance.
I am in the middle. There are people several paces behind me and I am following the people ahead of me. We are all unique, as all masterpieces are, each one bearing the fingerprints of the Creator. We are from varying backgrounds, we may have different view points and we look different from each other; but we find ourselves in the same place –
In the middle.
I am here. Moving from what I thought I knew. Listening, striving to understand; this requires that I acknowledge there are things I don’t understand. I walk beside my fellow masterpieces who fight for things I take for granted. My voice joins theirs. I join the fight.
In the middle we grieve and sit in the pain. The repercussions of inequality are pervasive, warping all areas of life and so there are gaping wounds, the pain is pervasive. Here in the middle, our tears mingle; we cry because of the struggle of the past and because of the tense present.
The middle is progress. The middle means recognizing systemic injustice and calling it out. The middle means bearing burdens for each other, it means putting on the pain and carrying it. It means suffering. It means having tough conversations. It means walking together.
In the middle.
We walk towards the day when all things will be made new and sin will be no more. We travel towards a time when all things will be restored and made right. That is what we travel towards.
This is our hope.
But we aren’t there yet.
We are in the middle.
Let’s walk toward the hope that we have never forgetting that hope is also with us,
Here in the middle.
Let’s walk together.
The middle is not a desolate place of pain.
Healing can happen in the middle because hope is here.
There can be restoration, there can be understanding, there can be healing, there can be redemption here in the middle, but we have to be willing to pursue it.
We need to pursue love, hope and grace on our way to love, hope and grace. It’s the only way to life, to flourishing for all. When we pursue flourishing it means that we are headed in the right direction and that the kingdom of God is happening within our midst:
Here, in the middle.
Walk with me.
I will walk with you –
Here, in the middle.
Jun 14, 2017 | Uncategorized |
I admit. Sometimes jealousy just won’t leave me alone. It grabs my attention and then asks my heart to be sure to notice the unfairness of the fact that someone else has the: great shoes, house at the beach, rocking business, stellar career, gorgeous website, wonderful neighbors, vacation without kids, toned legs, heck – some people even know what they are supposed to write about…the list is long people. I’ve figured out a way to deal with this because something had to give…
Roll with me, here…
I like to make strawberry freezer jelly. My mom always made it and I always make it. The task of making jelly has many steps, too many steps sometimes. There’s a part of me that always dreads it a bit because it just seems like I will never reach the desired end – gorgeous red in jars.
Steps for making jelly:
Prep jars
Buy containers if needed, sugar, Surejell
Drive 90 minutes round trip to pick strawberries
Clean and trim strawberries
Smash berries
Measure and mix with sugar and let sit
Boil Surejell, water and add to strawberry and sugar, stir for 3 minutes
Put jelly into jars
Clean outside of jars because I am sloppy
Clean red juice and sticky sweet from all surfaces
Let jelly sit for 24 hours
Stash in freezer
Enjoy for the rest of the year!
Whew! That is quite the list. It is usually sort of fun in the midst of it, especially knowing that I am moving towards the finish line. There are a few steps that are longer than others, the picking and the cleaning seem to be long. The clean up tends to be a step where I have to summon my strength – it is the final push to being done – because everything is sticky and so many pots are dirty. Once I’ve made everything unsticky, I am almost to the enjoying for a year part! The end is in sight! Until next year, when the process starts all over again.
REMEMBER NO ONE GETS TO SKIP THE STEPS
As I get older, (and wiser?) I realize that life is like making jelly. Seriously.
Let’s say that someone has a relationship with their spouse that you envy – their relationship is warm and they exude a passionate energy. What we don’t often think about are the steps that it took for them to get to this place. The long talks, the sorting through feelings and false assumptions, much like cleaning the strawberries and throwing out the bad ones. We don’t know the sticky, messy situations that they have had to work through and clean up. I guess sometimes I assume that other people are always in the phase of ‘Enjoy for the rest of your life!’ “Isn’t that nice, for them to have all that good stuff stored up to enjoy…” This leads me to a bad place – a place where everyone has it better than I do. There is no happiness or joy here, nor is there impetus to find it. It is important to remember the steps that it takes to get to the ‘Enjoy’ phase. When I remember the steps I notice a difference in my outlook and in my relationships with others.
AND REPEAT
The other thing that it is important to remember about jelly and life is that you must always return to the steps. To make more jelly you have to repeat the steps and start the process all over again. Someone who is in the ‘enjoy’ phase is there just now as you are looking at them, but they have been cycling through the steps of making a life, a career, a home again and again. They don’t allow themselves to get stuck on the steps that involve hard work, self-denial, or biting your tongue. They do it and get to the next step even though wading through the mess is their least favorite part – they push through again and again. No one gets to skip the steps. Perhaps the friend you envy is about to start over on some aspect of her life and return to harvesting berries. Unfortunately,strawberries are out of season and so she has a long wait ahead of her.
Life is like that. In relationships, in careers, in caring for yourself well, there is always a starting over. No one gets to stay in the ‘Enjoy for the rest of your life!’ phase forever – disappointment takes over, job changes enter, and what used to work for self-care no longer cuts it. We are perpetually making jelly. But there is always a reward, no matter how short-lived it might be – it’s there.
OUR LIVES ARE MULTIDIMENSIONAL
When it comes to life, there is one more thing to consider about jealousy and jelly, and that is that life is multidimensional. Have you ever envied someone to discover later all the hard things they are walking through? There is always so much we don’t know. We jump to conclusions, thinking that the neighbors down the street should just go ahead and be on the front of the magazine with everything just so. It is possible we don’t know them all that well if we are willing to assume that their lives are just perfect. Don’t be so quick to believe that you have nothing in common with them. Just go ahead encourage, celebrate and be happy for the neighbor’s perfect new job. This will allow you to be there for the other areas of life that are not in the ‘enjoy’ phase. You can be genuinely happy, just like you would want someone to be genuinely happy for you. Our hearts can do this, we can have big, generous hearts and celebrate well with others.
We are multidimensional people and life is unfair and unkind to all of us. Before I am tempted to be jealous I need to remember that different parts of each of our lives are in different steps of the process. The mom who has the bomb legs that I wish I had (she works hard for that muscle tone) wishes she was in the clean-up phase when it comes to her relationship with her mom.
JELLY AND LIFE
When I stop and think about the steps it takes to get to the ‘enjoy’ phase and the fact that we are multidimensional people I can eliminate jealousy and envy. I can celebrate with someone that right now, they are relishing the fact they are in the ‘enjoy’ stage. It was a journey to get there, they’ve earned it and so my response can be, “I will celebrate with you”. I can choose that. I don’t have to choose envy. After all, jealousy isn’t one of the ingredients used when making gorgeous red jelly.
